Arresting Grace
Sitting here alone with all of my regrets
All my failures and expectations gone unmet
Gotta move on from this reflecting place
Every little slip and every big mistake
It haunts me as think about
How things could have gone
But I’ve been lifted out of that horrible place
I’ve been completely captured by Your arresting grace
You raised me from the deadness of my shame and disgrace
What kind of love could this be
As You pour out your grace!
Praise to the One who rescued me
By Your arresting grace
His Spirit now works through me in unexplainable ways
His transforming power is making everything new
I have nothing I can offer to the One
who made it all
I can only bow before Him with surrender and awe
I’ve been lifted up from such a horrible place
I have been completely captured by His arresting grace
He raised me from the deadness of my shame and disgrace
What kind of love could this be
As You pour out your grace!
Holy, is the Lord!
Holy, is the Lord!
We exalt you as we shout out Your Name!
Holy is the Lord!
Holy is the Lord!
You alone are worthy of our praise!
Musical Misfits: You won’t understand this song
Quarter, half, whole and eighth
Treble, bass and middle C
Allegro, andante, presto and poof
You just checked out of this convo
Phrasing, and timing - straight and swing
Music is such a wonderful thing
We spent our youth playing scales not ballin’
Now you wish you too had been followin’
Jazz and blues, the classics and pop!
Not so much country but plenty of rock!
You don’t know why we converse with lyrics to songs
It drives you nuts that you can’t sing along
Yes, we’re musical misfits
We proudly proclaim
And you probably won’t get it
You think this song is so lame!
Accountability/Accountability Partners
Disclaimer: If you have had positive experiences with this then I am truly happy for you. I am only sharing what has been my experience.
Having an accountability partner is a concept I’ve heard taught over and over by pastors and Christian leaders. I’ve made dozens of sincere but unsuccessful attempts over the years to establish accountability relationships. Why? Am I that undiscerning?
I’ve come to the conclusion that “seeking out” an accountability partner is futile. What I HAVE discovered is that I’ve become accountable to a very few people without really trying. These are relationships that have grown naturally and organically. They weren’t forced for the sake of “accountability” but grew naturally as two (or more) believing friends grew to know more about each other. Trust developed over time and the ability to be real and open without fear of judgment came eventually. These are people who challenge me but also show grace and don’t condemn me for being honest about my struggles. I have been blessed with a few close friends with whom I’m comfortable sharing with from the depths of my soul. I am eternally grateful for such relationships and hope that I never take them from granted.
“Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another.”(Proverbs 27:17 ESV)
Planning to read more… (Taken with instagram)
Mr. & Mrs. Jeremy Grear-The Story of Us Part 3 (Happily Ever After)
It was now time to decide on a wedding date. Neither of us really saw the need for a long engagement. We considered getting married the weekend prior to his Spring Break which would have been March of 2005. We decided we didn’t want to wait that long so we picked November 20, 2004. We would have a wonderful fall wedding the Saturday before Thanksgiving. This also happened to be 4 days before I would turn 30. My Dad declares I chose that date so I could say that I got married before I turned 30, but it’s just not true. ;)
The planning began and it went by very quickly. During this time he was starting his first year of teaching at Shelby Oaks Elementary in Memphis. He was also working part-time at LifeWay Christian Store. I was working part-time at Longview Heights in the music ministry. I was also teaching piano lessons and teaching as an adjunct instructor at NW MS Community College. It was a very busy time but it was a very sweet time as our relationship continued to grow.
Most of our communication from January 2002 to April of 2004 had been via email. We had literally hundreds of emails back and forth. You have to remember this was before the days of texting and Facebook. During the two year time that we broke up I regrettably deleted most of those emails. I’m sure it was during one of my sad times of trying to come to terms with singleness. I would often speak of those emails and that I wished I had kept them. Little did I know that he had kept them - all of them!
On the night of our wedding he presented me with a beautifully bound book containing every email we had ever exchanged. It was the most beautiful gift he could have given me. It is still something I cherish dearly! The cover included a picture of us by the limo the night we got engaged along with verses from Matthew 19:4-6 which reads:
”Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” ESV
Our life together has been absolutely wonderful! I’m so grateful we decided to have that “now or never” meeting on April 13, 2004! He is the Love of My Life!!!
Mr. & Mrs. Jeremy Grear-The Story of Us Part 1
This Friday, April 13, 2012, marks eight years ago that Jeremy Cole Grear and I decided to pursue our relationship after a two year break-up. We met at Casa Mexicana in Olive Branch, MS that evening both knowing that it was a “now or never” meeting. We talked and cried over “fajitas for two” as we made a decision that would change our lives forever.
We met while both working at LifeWay Christian Store on Winchester Road in Memphis, TN. He was a student at The University of Memphis pursuing an elementary education degree. I was a seminary student at Mid-American Baptist Theological Seminary in the Missiology program. (Yes, I am older; five years older in fact.) The first night we talked I think we both knew there was something there. He was imprinting names on Bibles and I was working nearby at the front desk. It was a slow night, so between customers I would stand at the door of the imprint room and talk to him. He found out that I taught piano lessons in addition to working at LW and inquired about taking lessons. Of course, I just happened to have an opening that was perfect for his schedule. ;) He came faithfully for his lesson every week, but NEVER PRACTICED! Haha! We soon started doing things together after work on nights we both worked closing. We would usually go with our co-workers to get ice cream or see a movie. One particular night I invited him to go with me to the community center at seminary housing. Some of the seminary students were gathering there just to spend some time worshiping together. It was a wonderful evening. As we drove back to the LifeWay parking lot afterwards, we talked about ministry and missions and our perspective journeys with the Lord. I think we both knew then that this was a special relationship.
We then started emailing back and forth a lot. We weren’t always scheduled to work together so we just shared a lot through emails. I so looked forward to hearing from him every day. Things were going great! This was the first time in my life I had loved anyone like this. We dated for a couple of months and then began to discuss our future. I had grand ideas of going to be an overseas missionary. As it turned out he really wanted to teach elementary school. We mutually decided that we would not pursue the relationship any further. (His version is that I dumped him but it’s just not true!)
This began two years of misery and questioning. We still talked and occasionally emailed. I even went with he and his sister and a friend on a whitewater rafting trip one weekend. We were proverbially “just friends.” I was trying to very hard to resign myself to the fact that I might be single the rest of my life. I pleaded with God to either take away my feelings for Jeremy or somehow work out our relationship. Little did I know he was praying the same thing. It seemed the more I prayed that prayer the stronger my feelings grew for him.
As I finished my 2nd year of a 4 year seminary degree I decided that I was done with going to school and being a student. I already had a Masters in Music Education. I just didn’t see the need to continue. There were other options and means of becoming a missionary. I started working part time at my church, teaching piano lessons and teaching as an adjunct music teacher at Northwest MS Community College. I moved out of seminary housing and lived with a very generous family from our church. My goal: pay off all my debt and get to the mission field as soon as possible.
BUT he kept calling me just at the times I thought I was over it all. It never failed! I would go through a time of being sad and then I would get over it and be completely content in my singleness and then he would call. It was like a predictable cycle. So that April night was the “now or never moment.” What were we supposed to do? We loved each other very much but it still seemed we desired to go in different directions. So we ordered fajitas for two and neither of us ate a bite. We talked and cried and decided that we just had to be together. (To be continued…)
Mr. & Mrs. Jeremy Grear-The Story of Us Part 2 (the proposal)
Things moved pretty fast from April-November of 2004. His birthday was June 5th. It was a traumatic day and evening for my family. We were at his family’s house celebrating his birthday that evening when we got a call that my nephew, Noah, had been born three months premature and that my sister-in-law’s life was in danger. We made the trip to be with my family at the hospital in Meridian, MS and then went on to Jackson, MS the next day because they had transported Noah to a NICU unit there. It was such a difficult time for my brother and sister-in-law because she was still recovering at the hospital in Meridian separated from her newborn premature baby boy.
Somehow in the midst of that traumatic and crazy weekend Jeremy found time to talk to my Dad. He was determined to ask for my Dad’s permission to marry me. Daddy gave his blessing so just a few short weeks later we were looking at rings. We looked at so many rings and researched facts about diamonds and such. He knew of a family friend who owned a jewelry store in Cookeville, TN so we made a trip there to look at what he had. There we found it! It was the perfect ring! We left the store without it because I thought he was going to take more time to think it over. Little did I know he had filled out paperwork and planned to have the ring delivered later.
A couple of weeks later I made a trip to Jackson, MS to check on Noah and to pick up my niece, Hannah. She came back to Olive Branch with me to spend a week. Jeremy told me that he had made special dinner plans for us on the following Monday. He kept asking me questions about what I planned to wear and hinted that I needed to dress up. I had my suspicions but didn’t think he had the ring yet. He made arrangements for my friends to watch Hannah and he picked me up. He had told me we had dinner reservations. At that time in my life I was always paranoid about being late for things. He told me that he needed to make one quick stop before we went on to dinner. I was so worried that we would be late that I got upset with him. He told me he needed to go by seminary housing to drop off a birthday present for a friend. We drove up to the community center at seminary housing to find all the lights off. I was so upset that we were running late for dinner. He said, “Come with me to find, Jeff.” - our supposed birthday friend. We walked into the community center and into the meeting room and there were flowers and candles everywhere! There was music playing and it was just beautiful. He led me over to a chair and sat me down and got down on his knees. At this point I was already crying. The community center had great significance to us because that was one of the first places we had gone to together two years prior. (See Part 1) I noticed a pitcher and a basin. He proceeded to pour water from the pitcher to the basin, removed my shoes and began washing my feet. To this day I’m sorry to say that I still don’t remember his exact words. It was something like he wanted to spend the rest of his life as a servant leader to me. He then presented the ring and asked me to be his bride. I did not hesitate to say, “Yes!”
We took some time to look around the room and enjoy the beautiful flowers as the music continued to play. He then apologized for lying to me about dinner. He told me that we did in fact have dinner reservations but they were for a later time and we needed to go. We walked out of the community center to find yet another surprise. There was a big black limo waiting to take us to dinner. Wow! I never dreamed of anything like that magical evening. It was so wonderful. We had a wonderful dinner at “Folk’s Folly” in Memphis.
The only thing to do after that was to set a wedding date…(To be continued.)
Tinker Toy Memories
I can remember it very clearly, as though it happened yesterday; riding in Mamaw Clark’s big green Plymouth into the short driveway at the little house. I can remember the swing hanging from the huge oak tree by the driveway. That was where Mr. Alton would swing me up so high I could see over the rooftop. It was also the same tree where he showed me the first dried up locust shell I had ever seen. I was scared of it at first and then I discovered the fun in attaching it to Mamaw’s clothes and scaring her with it. Mr. Alton said I could take it home with me. That was the beginning of my collection of the crispy shells which I guarded carefully in an old checkbook box.
There were always several of Mr. Alton’s Coke can windmills stuck in the front yard on a straightened wire coat hanger. He would give me one of his most recent aluminum creations to take home to Daddy. Sometimes if it was summer he would bring a watermelon straight from the patch behind the house and we would eat it right there on the front porch. He always grew really good, sweet and juicy watermelons.
I remember the distinct sweet smell of Mr. Alton and Mrs. Neva’s house. I also remember the Paul Detlefsen print on the living room wall. As I recall, the picture was of children playing with some ducks on a farm. Of all the memories I have of my visits to the Tullos home however, my favorite is of playing with Tinker Toys every time we went there. That was the most awesome part of any visit to their house. I would ask them to please let me play with the Tinker Toys. Mr. Alton would very carefully get them from somewhere in in the room off the back of the kitchen. I waited and watched with great anticipation as he got them down. I would sit on the living room floor and play with them for the duration of the visit. Mr. Alton would even play with me sometimes. I always hated to hear Mamaw say that it was time to go. That was the only place I ever got to play with Tinker Toys.
They’ve all gone to be with the Lord now. I wish I had the opportunity to thank them one last time for one of my sweetest childhood memories of playing with their Tinker Toys.
INTERSECTIONS-My Journey to Christ
I was having a discussion the other day with my good friend, Melanie. We met almost 4 years ago and quickly connected through our love for music. It turns out we know some of the same people but have encountered those people at different times. The question was posed, “I wonder if we would have been friends if we had known each other back then?” “Back then” meaning college days. My response was that I don’t think we would have liked each other very much. I was bound by legalism and was an obnoxious KJV only Bible thumper always looking to have a KJV debate or any debate for that matter. Sidenote: If you are reading this and happen to prefer the KJV translation please do not be offended. I’ve just come to some different conclusions after much time and study on the issue. That’s another issue for another day. The point is that I was obnoxious about it and always looking to “prove my point.” In addition I was an egocentric musician who thought I was the best at everything and would go out of my way to prove it. Yep, that was me; “Anything you can do, I can do better!” I’m not sure how I had any friends at all to be honest. I started thinking about how the different seasons of our lives intersect our lives with different people. I thought about how the people close to me back then were used by God to shape and influence me toward the Gospel. I was so blinded by wanting to “be right” about everything, yet God gently used those relationships to point me to true freedom in Christ. You see, the ones who really influenced me didn’t really engage in my debate. They loved me, accepted me and befriended me. I know it had to be the grace of God that gave them the strength to do so. I’m telling you I had to have been one of the most obnoxious people they had ever met. Haha!
I came to a point of decision, as I sat alone one day as a graduate student, that I was tired of following the rules! I made a conscious decision to begin living my life as I pleased. This led to a whole series of what most good Christians would consider “appalling behavior”! I won’t glorify the details of it all, but let’s just say I’m not proud. I will interject here that walking away from a list of rules is much easier than walking away from a true relationship with Christ. The result was a spiraling decline into a deep depression. I believe I had struggled with depression on and off since my earliest teenage years but it wasn’t something in rural Mississippi you wanted anyone to know about or seek help for because then you would be labeled as a “nut case” or whatever.
As time went on I finished my Masters degree and accepted a teaching position as far away from my parents as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents dearly, it’s just that they represented “the rules” that I had chosen to no longer follow. I began teaching at Olive Branch High School in August of 1999 and bought a house in Southaven, MS. I was completely and utterly ALONE! I knew no one in Desoto County (or so I thought). I was a first year teacher, and filled with all sorts of anxiety and fear of failure. I decided to visit some churches because “that’s what you’re supposed to do!” I became even more depressed when I found it difficult to make any connections there. I was at my lowest point ever and even thought of ending it all. This wasn’t the first time I’d had such thoughts. By God’s grace He kept me from doing anything that stupid and for that I’m ETERNALLY grateful - literally! I remember coming to a point of complete and totally desperation and with my face bowed in the carpet and tears flowing I completely and totally surrendered to Christ. I bought and started reading my first ever “non” KJV Bible. It was a New King James Version, haha. I still was skeptical of anything else. I had received other translations as gifts but never really gave them a chance. I started reading this NKJV and it was as though I had never read the Bible at all before, even though I had. I devoured it! It was so alive and fresh and spoke to me in such a real way. This wasn’t because of the translation. It was because the Holy Spirit now truly lived inside me and revealed to me life and truth in Scripture! There’s so much more to tell and so much I’ve left out. Thankfully the story is still being written as the Spirit continues the work of sanctification in my life in order to conform me to the image of Christ. I just think it’s important to stop occasionally and reflect on what you were rescued from. Me? I was rescued from a horrible, dark and lonely pit! I am so grateful for the Father’s long arms of grace and mercy. His love is so overwhelming!
Psalm 40:2-3 “He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.”
